The Unwritten Rules of Public Transport, Written Down

It has come to my attention that a great deal of people seem to have forgotten the unwritten rules of public transport. My dear reader, please treat this rant below as a PSA and forward it to the appropriate audience. Do let me know in the comments if I have missed any key rules.

  1. Do not sit next to me unless completely and utterly necessary. If you sit next to me when there are plenty of other empty seats then I will immediately think you are a creeper coming to kidnap me. Additional note: I hate the idea of some stranger’s leg touching mine (men are particularly guilty of this due to the phenomenon known as ‘man-spreading’).
  2. Do not under any circumstances try to start up a conversation. I get it, you’re old. Old people probably used to chat on transport back when there was no such thing as unlimited mobile data. However, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I am a millennial. We pride ourselves in being able to order sushi to our house via Deliveroo without having to talk to a single person. I would much rather queue for a self check out than go to an open till and have to speak to a shop assistant. If my earphones are in it means I am catching up on the latest episode of my favourite podcast, and frankly could not care less if you are having trouble finding the perfect shawl to go with your dress to your friend’s son’s wedding on Saturday, Janet. It’s 2018.

3. Don’t be a dick- give your seat to the elderly, pregnant or in any way disabled. The amount of times I have seen a tired old dear hobble onto the bus and people (even middle aged people who should know better) deliberately not make eye contact so that they do not have to give up your seat. Maybe your parents didn’t raise you as well as mine, but it’s the most basic rule of public transport.

4. Have you ticket at hand, for goD’S SAKE, WOMAN! When getting on the tube in rush-hour London why oh why on Earth would you not have your ticket ready to easily handle the barriers. You should have your ticket out when you leave the house- heck, it should never be put away! Always have your ticket at hand because there is nothing more infuriating than an amateur stopping the swift flow of commuters because they are thumbling around in their bag for their ticket.

Quickfire round:

  • passengers exit the train/bus/tram/boat/helicopter/batmobile before new ones enter
  • on the escalators stand on the right and walk on the left
  • your bag does not get priotrity on a seat over me- move it

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