We’ve all seen the headlines: “Britain set for three month heatwave” and “expect highs of 35 over the weekend”. It seems only yesterday we were cowarding inside trying to survive the ‘Beast From The East’, and yet now this is meant to be the hottest summer we’ve had in years! And us Brits? We are not exactly climatised to temperatures above the 20s. It’s been exactly 4 days since we last had rain and there is already a drought threat. Here is my official guide to British Summertime 2018:
- Prepare yourself to be constantly reminded that “it’s bloody boiling” and “I’m sweltering”. Brits love their small talk and hate awkward silences so we jump at the chance of being able to comment about the unusually hot weather at any chance (despite it being this hot for about 2 weeks solid now, so sweating should not really be a surprise). Other phrases you will hear are “I can’t BELIEVE it’s this hot in Britain” and “oh I wish I wore a lighter outfit, I’m melting!”
- Speaking of clothing choices, it is important to restrain yourself from attacking the kind of person who will happily sit there on the boiling oven of a train and wear a three-piece suit and not break a sweat. While you are dying in a vest and shorts, he will be sitting there with a steaming hot coffee. This man (it always seems to be a man) does not even seem like he notices it’s so hot. Seeing him wearing so many layers makes you sweat even more, and you physically have to stop yourself jumping up at him and yelling “YOU MAD MAN!!” Instead, you conclude that perhaps he is from Spain or another hot country, and that can be the only reasonable explanation for him being able to bear the temperatures of the Savannah in a suit.
- In order to survive this particular summer, prepare yourself for every conversation to end with someone chanting “it’s coming home”. And whether you like football or not, you better for the love of God respond positively. To say “oh I’m not really into football” this year (particularly now we are so far) is the equivalent to saying “I hate England and all things that represent it, and I’d much rather be living with our American cousins watching baseball and saying sidewalk instead of pavement. Good day.” Shocking.
- Bit more of a serious point, but keeping well hydrated is of paramount importance during the heat wave. Get yourself a Love Island water bottle and play a game I like to call “Water Binge-go”. Take a sip every time one of these things happens, and you’ll be sure to keep hydrated throughout the day:
- Hear the buzz of a mosquito but can’t see it and immediately brush all your limbs incase it chose you as its dinner
- “IT IS COMING HOME”
- Gets burnt to a crisp
- Some misrable sod informs you is it scheduled to downpour on the day you plan to do a BBQ (it isn’t scheduled, they’re a liar)
- “Did you see Love Island last night? ___ are muggy aren’t they!”
- And for the 97% of women who do not have thigh gaps, they know that dresses and short shorts result in thigh chafing. Also referred to as “chub rub”, women’s thick thighs generate sweat which causes friction burns and rashes. Women attempt to use baby powder, vaseline, deoderant and all sorts to avoid this chafing. By the end of the day, my inner-thighs are BURNING from rubbing up against each other. I end up walking with my legs far apart and somewhat resemble John Wayne after riding on a horse too long.
And this concludes my little guide to British Summertime. Good luck, and please comment below if you have any further tips or thoughts about summer and how to survive it!
Love from Evie x